I’m Not Who I Was…

Last summer, I remember sharing with someone that I no longer felt like myself. I shared my struggle with this sense of frustration regarding where my life was prior to having children and being married in comparison to where it is now.

After I was done, the person replied, “Well, you aren’t the same. You have experienced some drastic, life changes and it’s okay.”

As simple as this statement was, it seemed to provide me with the grace in that moment to accept my life had indeed changed, and that it was completely natural for me to have these feelings of uneasiness.

In that moment, I accepted my life had changed and told myself…Brenda, it’s okay. You have changed. Your body has changed. Your responsibilities have changed. Your surroundings have change, and you have been freaking out about all of this and it is okay.

You see, for over 30 something years, the only person I was responsible for was me. I was the youngest of three children and I was the only girl. You might say I was even a little spoiled.

Though I’ve had plenty of times throughout my life where I have served others and volunteered my time as a young, single woman, it was still mostly on my terms. At the end of day, I could return home and recharge.

For me, home was always the place where I could be in my own little world and just be. Now, however, home is the complete opposite and as I look back, it seems to have happened so fast.

I met my husband in 2014, relocated to a new city in 2015, had a baby in 2016, relocated back to a former city in 2017, got married to my husband in 2018, and then also had our second baby in 2018.

Whew! That was a lot. Don’t get me wrong…marriage, children and all that jazz are things I’ve always longed for. I am grateful for my husband and feel so blessed to have his love and support.

Even more, I am amazed at the fact I was the vessel my two beautiful children entered this world through. I look at them and I experience an abundance of emotion because these two little humans are a part of me and I am a part of them. They are my biggest and most valued accomplishments.

So at the end of the day, I’m just not who I was…I have evolved. I have changed. I have been stretched. My identity and sense of purpose is now connected to more people and more responsibility. It’s challenging. It’s new. It’s been hard to adjust at times. But you know what? It’s okay!

To you I say:

It is okay! Your life has changed. You have experienced some changes that have shaken your life upside down. Maybe it was because of choices you made or maybe it was because of someone else’s actions and it has impacted your life greatly. Either way, change has come. You feel uncomfortable with it. You are frustrated things aren’t like they used to be.

Well, you know what, it’s okay to feel that way. As you wrestle with these feelings, it is also important to accept, to allow yourself to grow through this, and to let yourself expand.

You are not who you were because you are evolving…and it is okay! Release yourself. Accept it and let yourself evovle.

Peace, Light and Love…

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My First Post

It’s about 3 a.m in the Midwest. Everyone (the kids and hubby) are sleep and I’m just lying here trying to figure out life. What’s my purpose? How can I be here for my family and generate income without feeling guilty? How does one have 3 degrees and yet can’t seem to find a decent paying job? How does one change careers in the midst of being a mom to a toddler and a 6-month old?

How does this 38-year old who reflects on childhood and pre-adulthood desires to be a writer, make this happen after all this time? Where is the time to do so? At 3 a.m. I guess.

What does one do with all her frustrations and inhibitions regarding writing, purpose, success and navigating this thing called life?

Will anyone read this? Is there anyone who can relate? What will come of this? I want to write. I want to share and connect. I want to vent and complain. I want to encourage and uplift. I want to challenge myself and others. I want to learn, to research, to investigate, to interview and more!

I need direction. I need guidance. Most importantly, I needed to write my first post and to just do it! The rest will fall in place…I hope.

Well, I did it!